Tuesday 24th September 2019

Today is the first day of me trying to keep a journal/ diary about things that I do or try or how I feel in an attempt to try and keep better accountability for my day to day actions.

This week has already been a big week- I booked my first solo trip to Edinburgh, or in fact in anywhere really. I go in a week in a classic lack of patience and self control. I am going for two nights and I am fitting it in between uni and work and trying to keep on top of it all. this is something I am finding very hard at the minute- between uni and work, James and trying to have some friends. I just wanted to get away from it all for a bit and have some time to myself to be my own master for once.

There are some things I have in mind to do once I am in my favourite city: Carlton Hill, of course being an old favourite and being somewhere I will visit everytime I go to Edinburgh. But I would also like to do something new and totally different- I just haven’t worked out what that is yet. Excitingly I am also going to visit a tattoo artist while I am there, who I have admired for months (since I visited the Leeds Tattoo Expo), to hopefully add some of his work to my ever growing collection. I know I will appreciate it all the more because it will be a lifetime reminder of my favourite city.

I am also looking forward to being in a city where I do not know anyone. Whilst this is also somewhat terrifying I have been struggling a lot lately being self conscious. It feels like everyone is looking at me all the time- even though no-one is. It is a case of running away from people I know before they see me and apologising for my appearance profusely if they do. Thus I know although I will not become invisible in Edinburgh I might at least become a little bit more so for a while. Or it might make me feel a little bit more confident having made this intimidating trip alone successfully.

I think this has come primarily in light of having weight myself for the fist time in a long time last week and establishing I am the heaviest I have ever been (at 8 stone 11lbs). I have noticed my once sharp and angular edges softening and blurring, clothes getting tighter and not fitting the way they used to, and with it, the amount of times I ask my mum if I look ok before I leave the house increasing.

I have written more than I expected too and I hope this is a habit I can keep up as I inevitably struggle to lock all this shit down.


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