I can’t be bothered.
That is the general mood at the minute, for me at least. I got myself thinking maybe it was just that time, then I thought maybe it was just sun induced lethargy that makes me not want to go to work or the gym or to write or do any of my favourite things. Maybe it’s just too hot to care? I don’t know if I just feel like I’ve lost purpose with no university deadlines or lectures to attend. Or if, predictably, because I have seen no immediate change in my body after 2 weeks at the gym, I have had a dip in desire to continue or what; but at the minute I just can’t…
Can’t, applied to everything for me right now. “Jess can you just…” Can’t. “Aren’t you going to go to the gym this morning?” Can’t. “Can you come into work to cover this shift tonight?” Can’t. I just, can’t.
I am used to having fluctuating mental health, and I know things will pick up soon, or at least it helps me to believe that it will. Just lately everything seems impossible, I don’t know if it’s just in my head but I feel like a failure at the minute and it is stopping me from doing so much. I got my grades back from my second year of university today, and don’t get me wrong, I have done well, but I have not met the ridiculously high expectations I set for myself. So in the couple of hours since I read the results I have been torn between immense determination to start reading for third year NOW and beating myself up relentlessly for half arsing yet another aspect of my life, despite telling myself I wouldn’t, having had a similar realisation following first year. This became another super fun spiral of, I don’t even know why I’m doing this anymore, I don’t want a job in this and I just need to get through one more year and then I am free. Except I’m not really free, I will still actually have to do things, and “I just can’t” won’t fly anymore. Then I realise that I just want to write and travel and, okay well not a lot else other than those two things really. And both of those things are just so hard to do and be successful in, and I can keep trying but am I really just wasting time, since I probably won’t get anywhere? Even if I really wanted to.
Just to give you some brief context for this rather panicked ramble, it comes from what is basically a constant internal monologue recently whilst I try and work this out. It feels like if I tried to say this out loud it would have come out all in one really long speech with one long breath; like when you’re a kid and you run to tell your mum the whole story of something bad that just happened before your little brother can do the same. Since this is the only thing I’ve had any inclination to do in a few days I hope I feel better for it soon since I’ll feel like I’ve actually done something.
There is no real way to tell people you are disappointed with, what was really a good uni result, or that you don’t want to go to work because you used all the energy that you had for that day just to get out of bed, or that I don’t want to see my boyfriend because I haven’t got out of my pyjamas in three days and I’m worried I’ll gross him out and he won’t want me anymore. It’s just hard to work out what I want, what I should do and how to do it, what is worth my very limited effort, and what isn’t.
I just can’t…